It’s okay to NOT be okay!

I am NOT okay. It’s okay to NOT be okay! 

I hit my limit last week. My limit at work and my limit at home. I knew when I hit it. I remember thinking “Maria, you’ve got to get a grip. You will get through this.” It’s true, I will. WE will get through this. But at what cost?!

If you know someone with children with significant disabilities, know that they are not okay.

As school, services, and respite comes to a screeching halt, we are having to make impossible decisions. How do we keep working and make sure our kids are getting services?! How do we work and coordinate special education, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and mental health services?! How do we stay connected to our in-home supports and make up services?! This person is remote. This person can still come to the house. How do we keep these things in place, so we don’t lose them when all this is over?!

Do I take a leave so he can get “school?” What about the almost 1,000 students and 80+ professionals I support in special education?! Who will take that load? Not to mention the countless other things I have my hands in. How will we pay our bills? Keep our home? It’s just too much.

I took today off work. I don’t just take days off work. Ever. Originally it was to do “school”. We didn’t do school. Instead, we took a long drive in the mountains, picked up lunch, ate in the park, and played until we just couldn’t play anymore. Then we took a break for a snack and went back to the park on our bikes. I’m not sure who needed it more, the kids or me?

If I thought for one second, it would be worth the remote schooling fight to gain skills, I’d be all in. I’d move heaven and earth to get to every session, make all the visual supports, endure all the misbehavior. It isn’t worth it for Carter and so many other children who cannot and do not benefit from remote learning. We’ve been at this for almost 9 months. On and off. In school and in-home services. We (education) can do amazing things remotely! We’re using technology in ways we never dreamed of! For some students, it is just not worth the fight. I get that. I empathize with families when I hear stories every day. I am that.

I put incredible pressure on myself as a mom and as an administrator. How can I just not do remote instruction?! I’m a teacher. I’m a special education teacher. I’m a dang SSN teacher!!! Let me tell you, sometimes education just isn’t the priority. Yes, I just said that. This is my truth today. It might change over time, but this is where we are.

I tried to focus on my kids today. I’m putting one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. It’s ok to take it one day at a time. At this point, I’m taking it hour by hour. I wish I had ideas of how to support struggling families. I don’t. All we can do is be patient. Be kind. Give grace and empathy. Those things go a long way.

At the end of the day, our boys are fed, warm, safe and loved – this is not the case for so many and it only gets worse as schools close. Some days this is enough. I will sleep well tonight knowing I’m doing the best I can. It’s not perfect. It may not even be good, but it’s enough!

It’s okay to

NOT be okay!

Be kind to teachers.

They’re trying to support families through these terrible realities. Be kind to administrators, we’re having to make impossible decisions. Be kind to families, some of are just surviving. We’re all just trying to make it through this pandemic one day at a time.

They say it takes a village to raise a family. Children with special needs need an army. What happens when that army disappears overnight?! Priorities change. And that’s ok.

This is hard for everyone in so many ways. This is just my story and the current reality for so many families. It’s heartbreaking.