Greif and exceptionalities
Sometimes it feels like adoptive families shouldn’t grieve like other families do. Over the years, I’ve connected with other adoptive families, and I know I’m not alone in this. It’s okay to grieve through adoption! We go to great lengths to choose this road, yes. But that does not mean we do not continue longing for the vision and dreams we had, the longing in our hearts. It does not mean we don’t grieve right along with others. Choosing adoption does not mean choosing all the diagnoses and disabilities. Adoption does not make suffering or grief easier.
There is one glaring difference though.
It’s often easy for me to blame bio parents for the struggles my family faces daily. I get to be angry and blame in a way others do not. Blame and anger have brought me to my knees at different times over the years. I think about this often as I have family and friends navigate challenges with their own biological children. Where does the anger and blame go then?!
Grief is hard either way! It comes and goes and takes your breath away in unimaginable ways. Today, we grieve the loss of traditional educational environments. We grief the fact that our 2 boys will likely never go to school together even though they are only one year apart. They’ve dreamt of riding bikes to school together for years – that isn’t going to happen.
Some grief comes out of the blue. Some we anticipate and can see coming from a mile away. The day one child gets a cell phone to increase his independence and the other one gets a device that has a gps tracker in it to help keep him safe. The day one gets to slide behind the steering wheel of a car while the other one will wait a lifetime to feel the acceleration under foot. The day one goes to college with a world of possibility at his fingertips while the other finds a meaningful job in the community where he’s found the required support system to have some kind of independence. Sure, he might also get to go to college these days – which is a HUGE celebration and step forward. The amount of planning and coordinating is overwhelming.
I’ve spent some time in denial in the past few years. If I’m being honest, my little family has probably been in a troubling place for a year or more. Because of grief, anxiety/depression, and knowing too much about the system, it took me far too long to recognize and accept what’s been going on.
I’m tired. This road is hard. Being a parent is hard. Unique needs are hard. All the systems seem hard. Adoption is hard.