Duelling Emotions and Conflicting Truths
It was Christmas 2009. Carter was 6-7 weeks old. We had been having weekly visits with bio mom and some man we were waiting on a paternity test for. That week, we were told this man was not Carter’s biological father so the visit was with bio mom alone.
I knew it would be hard. They had all been hard. Dropping this tiny little boy off at the county offices and driving around for an hour wondering how it was going. This one was our Christmas visit and I was fully expecting to have big feelings about all the gifts they would have for him. We would accept graciously, obviously. Carter was lucky to be so loved!
She didn’t show
I remember sitting in my car in total shock. It was dark and snowing. There were Christmas lights and decorations up at the county building – it was the happiest time of the year!
I was both ecstatic, and devastated. Excited, and heartbroken. How could this be?! How could she not show up?! How could she not bring him a gift?! Does she even love him?!
Oh. My. Goodness. We might actually get to KEEP HIM!
We never saw her or heard from her again as we navigated the adoption process for months to come.
This is the first time I really remember holding duelling emotions at the exact same time. Making space for more than one truth at a time has given me freedom – I do not have to define myself by just one feeling or experience at a time. I can feel all the things. At the same time.
Today my emotions include sad and hopeful. Busy and numb. Ready and scared.
My current truths include:
I’m grieving the loss of what could have been and simply do not have words for what currently is.
I am truly grateful for my people.
I feel better than I have in a very long time – thank you meds and therapy!
All of these things can be true. At the same time. Naming it and allowing space is FREEDOM!
