Radical Acceptance
I recently hit some kind of rock bottom on this journey and started seeking help. My new therapist asked me to look into radical acceptance. I immediately ordered the book and then looked up memes. This is the first one I found. It brought me to my knees.
I was still in denial about Carter’s disabilities. It wasn’t until I accepted him fully for all that he is with me and all that he is without me, that I could truly move forward. I was stuck. Stuck in the disconnect between what I see and experience and what others see and experience. It’s 2 sides to the same coin. Both look and feel different, both part of the same unit. To me, Carter is a sweet loving caring soul I get to see everyday. Sure, he can be a turkey sometimes, but mostly he is sweet, busy, and caring. Others see a different side of him. Words associated with him at school include elopement, aggression, disassociation, screaming, non-compliant – the list goes on. Because of this disconnect, it took me far too long to see what was really happening.
I know these words mean.
I know where this road leads.
I’d been grasping, pleading, begging, praying for it not to be so. I wanted him to be the loving boy I lived with everyday. I wanted them to see what I see, love who I love.
It can’t be. He can’t need THAT. I know THAT and THAT is not Carter. He is not THAT. I had a narrative in my head and knew too much – all too familiar territory for me. I spent too many hours remembering my time in day treatment, the faces, the stories, the grief, the sorrow, and the trauma. So much trauma! Sure, he’s complicated…but he isn’t THAT.
I still feel so incredibly guilty about these thoughts and feelings. My time in both Residential Treatment and Day Treatment changed my life. It made me who I am. It gave me deep compassion and empathy. I love my time in that world and wouldn’t change a thing! Some of the strongest relationships I have came from that time in my life.
With the help from my new mental health tools, I began to accept what is. I began to accept the words they use when describing school experiences. I began to really listen to what they were telling me. I began to look at it through a school lens and not just a mom heart. I am who I am – I am both! My super power is that I can see both sides, I get both sides, I advocate on both sides. My blindspot is and always has been Carter. My mom heart puts these huge blindspots in my way and it takes some time to move around them.
It was only when I could accept Carter fully, when I could see that the public school setting just isn’t built for learners like him, that I began to accept, move, and then embrace.
“A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.” – Tara Brach, Ph.D.
I felt a shift almost overnight. Once I stopped fighting, I could start hearing and seeing. I could think outside our current reality and believe he could be safe in a different setting. A setting who accepts him for who he is and loves him anyway. A setting who looks for strength and opportunity in the cracks and crevices that are sometimes so darn hard to see.
Today I am thankful Carter is safe. I’m thankful that I had the resources and privilege to get help when I needed it. I’m thankful for those around me who showed grace and understanding. For those who gently guide me on this journey. Those who listen without judgement and love without condition.
