Love Letters
I am whole. I am precious. I am growing.
I'm learning to believe these things and more.
Our first date was to the Zoo. It was painfully awkward - I didn't know what to say and struggled to keep conversation going. Somehow, we made it to a second date. From then on, we built what would become a solid foundation of trust and loyalty.
I remember falling in love. I remember when we couldn't get enough of each other and wanted to spend every waking moment together. You were working overnights, I was working and in school. You'd come over in the middle of the night just so we could talk through your lunch hour.
I don't know exactly when things changed. I don't know when I started to retreat within my self and then my walls started to go up. What I do know is that those walls became thick and sturdy...and then they were suffocating. Those walls wouldn't allow others in or myself out. I caged myself in and remained there for years.
At the same time, we built a beautiful life. We owned 2 houses and navigated the difficult journey of adoption through foster care. We have 2 INCREDIBLE sons who light up this world daily. They are funny, kind, caring, and growing. We navigated their drug addiction, trauma, medical diagnoses, and educational disabilities. We did it and we did it well!!! I'm proud of us!
I was months into therapy when I found the right word to capture how I was feeling. I thought it was grief around how hard parenting was or how hard school was for Carter. I thought it was the tightrope I walk between Special Education Administrator and a mom of someone highly impacted in the educational setting. I thought I was broken. I thought I had failed or that I wasn't enough. Those were lies.
LONELINESS
The word was loneliness. It didn't seem possible. How could one be lonely inside a marriage?! I was dripping with humans at all times, how could I be lonely?! I was months into therapy when this truth hit me like a freight train. We had grown apart. We found joy and had grown to become interested in different things. It started to become clear, we were co-parenting under the same roof and we were pretty damn good at it. We found joy in different things and were interested in different things. We couldn't find each other and certainly didn't know who we were outside of our parenting roles.
Divorce is HARD. It is also sad, devastating, complicated, freeing and, in our case, GOOD. For us, divorce has been both HARD and GOOD.
I am proud of us! Not only did we navigate some really dark times, we are now better than ever! We put the kids interests and needs at the front and center and let that guide our decision making, communication, and timing. We did this and we did it well! Our kids are thriving, happy, and secure in who they are and their relationships with both of us. We've communicated well and more often than we ever did while being married. We've laughed, joked, and genuinely want the best for each other. We're slowly finding the ground beneath our feet again. I'm proud of you and of me! While we are no longer married, I am truly grateful for you and look forward to continuing to raise these boys together.
